Titty Gate

This has been a transformative journey for me in the short time it has been going on. It feels like an eternity that I was waiting for surgery but in reality surgery happened exactly 2 months from my mammogram. 8 weeks. In 8 weeks, I had to process that I had cancer growing in me, that I would have to make a surgical decision based on genetic tests whether or not to partially or fully mutilate my body, that I cannot safely carry a child without risking the cancer returning, that I would have to decide right now if I wanted to preserve the chance of children in my future, that I might have to undergo weeks of pumping poison into my system that will make me lose my hair among other things, that the next few months of my life were up in the air, and that for the rest of my life I will have to worry about cancer coming back.

It is a lot. I have been humbled by it and have tried my best to find the good. One of the best things I realized is how very loved I am. I am so blessed and so grateful to the people in my life, some expected and some unexpected who have reached out even just to see how I’m doing. I was shocked by how many people expressed a deeply emotional reaction to my diagnosis. I am truly and honestly very grateful to all of you. I have felt the love intensely and immensely.

The other good was a deeper understanding of the love I have for myself. This is a thing we all struggle with very much. We are constantly criticizing ourselves, putting ourselves down, forcing unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and not appreciating who we are inside and outside. Most of us spend an irrational amount of time and energy worrying about what we look like and wanting to look “better”. I look back at pictures from years ago and remember how I judged myself and I think, man I wish I looked like that now. What the hell was I thinking? We always want better or more.

I found in this a deep connection to my body, the very thing I have harshly judged over the course of my life. Suddenly something I had always wanted to change, something that seemed so separate from me was under attack and my feelings of protection and preservation surprised me. My body. My Choice. Not to be political, but your body is yours… it is one of few things in this world that belongs solely to you and no one else. You and your body work together to keep you alive, you are one even though often you are wishing you had a different one. This one is yours and it is suddenly at risk. I was shook at the idea of a partial mastectomy. I begged the genetic gods above to make me negative for BRCA because I did not even want to entertain anything other than a lumpectomy. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now I was able to preserve as much of Her as possible. She and I are in this together and for the first time maybe ever in my life, I didn’t want anything done to Her. Modesty has gone out the window since I’ve lost count of how many doctors/nurses/techs have seen and touched my breasts at this point. I’m ready for the nude beach, who cares! lol (my mother is silently having a heart attack)

Before surgery I asked my extremely talented photographer bestie Kristen if she would help me immortalize Her before surgery. The photo in this is one of many. This is my love letter to Her.

(text on photo)

What are we? We are a soul inside a vessel. A mind inside a body. We separate ourselves from our body. We don’t recognize how important we are to one another. Me and Her. My body and me. We are one. I spent years criticizing her, picking at her, wishing she was different, telling her she needed to be better, to be more perfect, more pretty, more thin, more toned. I told her she wasn’t good enough, I hid her, I was embarrassed by her… and then they told me I had to cut her open and disfigure her for life. I had to decide whether or not to do a little or a lot. And suddenly I became very protective of her. I never knew how much she meant to me until they had to cut into her. Until the body I judged for so long was involuntarily being altered no matter what. The cancer grew a tumor inside her, sticking out the side of her, disfiguring her. My beautiful body. For the first time ever she was just as I wanted her to be and I didn’t want her to be any different. And I cried for her. And I promised her I would protect her. I promised I would be good to her from now on. I made a deal with her. You help me fight for us, you help me kick cancers ass and I promise I’ll do better for you. I promise I won’t mistreat you any more. I promise I’ll love you as you have always deserved. No matter what happens, no matter what they cut, no matter what we lose, we’ll do it together and we’ll always be beautiful. I promised her I will always tell her she’s beautiful. And we’ll always remember how she was before. And our scars will remind us how strong we are together. Me and her. I look at her now and I’m saddened by the scars, by the bruises, but I know that’s her way of fighting for us. We removed the cancer, she will heal our body. Now it’s my turn to strengthen our mind. To remind us we can do it. No matter what. We were beautiful before. We will be beautiful again. Me and Her. My body and me.

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TittyGate- Michele’s Journey