Titty Gate

When I decided to share this journey the way that I have, I made a promise not to sugarcoat it and not to omit the hard stuff. As a person who has spent a good portion of their life shoving feelings aside, putting on a brave face, pushing emotions deep down, and training myself to quit crying because that was the conditioned behavior from childhood, this has been an exercise in vulnerability.

For everyone who asks if I go to therapy, this is my therapy. You have no idea how hard I’ve worked the last 2 years of my life to be the person who shares their feelings willingly. That was something that was reserved for very very few. And the whole range of emotions that I carry has really only been shown to 1 or 2 people in my lifetime. I have learned how to ask for help, how to say I don’t have space for this today, to set boundaries when I need to reserve my energy for me, and to feel my feelings. I’ve learned it’s so much better to allow yourself to go through the emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, and begin to process it.

What I have discovered is “the brave face” is not at all what makes me strong. The brave face is what made me crumble. It’s what made me feel so low I had no choice but to change it.

What makes me strong is allowing myself to go through the process, as it comes, whatever it feels like. That fundamental change has helped me tremendously. It helps me not carry things. My recovery from a moment is so much quicker now because I allow the feeling to come instead of trying to hide it away.

When I got my diagnosis, I cried for like 20 minutes. I just let myself cry and feel all of the things. Because I did that, I could move forward stronger than I have in the past. Sharing this with all of you exposes myself in a way I have never done before. So I know that I’m helping others by sharing, but believe me when I tell you that sharing is helping me a lot.

So todays share is that today was hard. In 5 days my hair has fallen out to the point I need to cover it and I’m pretty sure I’ll be fully bald by next week. I expected this although some part of me hoped I might reside in the small percentage of people who didn’t loose their hair.

Today was hard not entirely because of the hair but because it feels like no matter how I try to make sure all my ducks are in a row with things, it still seems to be a production. I went to a wig salon, Dini Wigs in Thiells which was an absolutely wonderful experience. What was not wonderful was the insurance and doctors office shenanigans I had to endure. I did not get the wig today and am not certain still exactly how this is all going to transpire because our healthcare is so star spangled awesome.

Thankfully, I did anticipate this a little and some items I ordered from Amazon arrived today. I have ordered more and will figure it out. But today did not pass by without tears. I debated posting my hair pictures… but… I will because I want to be transparent.

I am a positive person and I always find the silver lining and I always believe things will work out the way they are meant to. The universe will provide me with a path and an answer. It always does. But there are moments when there are tears and frustration and today was one of those moments.

I am ok. I am. I will figure it out. I’ve already reached the exhausted just give me a beanie phase and it hasn’t even been 24 hours. But I want a wig for special occasions or when I go see my kiddos. I’ll get one. It’ll be fine. This is all just part of the process.

Thank you, by the way, for coming on this journey with me. The support I receive here is beyond what I imagined. 🎀