Titty Gate

Active treatment is done.

It feels like yesterday I sat in the room at MRI and the doctor told me I needed a biopsy… I remember sobbing in my car for a good while before scheduling the biopsy… a week later, “it’s cancer”… another sobbing session… then in a flash I switched into survival mode. That’s not to say there wasn’t many breakdowns along the way, because there were, but hearing those words, while devastating, told me it was time to dig deeper than I ever have in my life. And I’ve had to dig deep many times.

Cancer is up there on the worst news you’ll ever receive list of things life can throw at you.

But here’s what it can give you, if you allow it. No fear. What on earth could possibly be worse than this? All the traumas I’ve experienced suddenly paled in comparison. All the things that could make me pause before, now seem minute. Because nothing can be quite as traumatizing as fighting for your life.

And so you have a choice. Be a victim and wallow in self pity… which you can absolutely do from time to time, you’re allowed… OR you can decide that you’re going to be bigger than this. You’re going to do whatever it takes to save yourself and you’re going to look for the lessons along the way.

You can look at cancer as an opportunity to cleanse yourself of all the negativity, all the trauma, all the bad shit. Bc nothing is worse than this, so let the rest of it go. Find your place, whether it’s with a therapist or a community of people going through the same… or both… and work through your shit. Let cancer lead the way.

As it breaks you down, break down the bad stuff. Work through it, release it, let the chemo take it away. You get the opportunity to come out the other side a whole new you. You get to decide what life looks like on the other side of this. And you can allow this experience to empower you in a way nothing else ever has in your life.

Cancer will take things from you and you will need to grieve those things and find a way to navigate those losses. This is all part of the journey and for whatever reason, you were chosen to go on this journey.

I’ve received so many compliments for how I’ve handled myself on this journey. As strong and positive as I have been, it was work. It is work to wake up everyday and decide you won’t let the negative impact you. You have to decide to only allow the light in your world. I had to work very hard to find the light. It was not easy but every-time someone expressed how my strength touched them, I knew I had chosen correctly.

Choose to find the positive in each day. Even if it’s “I ate crackers today”. That’s your victory for the day. Eventually all the small positives will become a big one and you will feel really good about yourself. Take every day as it comes and try not to worry too much about tomorrow.

I am so incredibly proud of myself for choosing to not allow this to break me. There were moments I could have succumbed to those feelings. I felt them and I let them go. Through every tear stained pillow, I kept believing the universe would reward me in the end if I remained focused on the light.

Ringing that bell brought me this moment of pure joy. I’ll never forget it. I did it. Me. I never let me down. I was there for me. I took care of me. I kept my promise to me. And now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I can do anything.

That was the gift cancer gave me. My reward from the universe.